The place looks like a squalid squat. Half-finished cans and bottles litter the floor. Every surface is thick with grease and grime, crammed with discarded paraphernalia. Graffiti and torn posters adorn the walls, the forgotten remnants of a once-loved space.
The pervasive atmosphere is permeated with the stench of dirty clothes and stale plates.
I tiptoe across the invisible carpet and crack the window. I take a deep breath of delicious fresh air.
“What are you doing in here?”
I turn around to see her glaring at me, wearing that familiar accusatory look.
“I’m here to clean this mess,” I say.
“Can you leave, please?” she says.
“I’m sorry. You’ve had your chance and shown you can’t be trusted.” I say.
‘Please, just go.” she says. Tears fill her eyes. I feel awful. Maybe I don’t belong here. Should I cut her some slack?
Then, the stench slaps me across the face again, waking me up to the chaos and broken promises.
“No, enough is enough. This disgrace has been going on too long. I can’t keep letting you get away with it.”
“Please, Dad,” she says, raising her voice. “It’s really embarrassing.”
And then she starts to cry.
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For all her intelligence, kindness, compassion and countless other qualities, my eldest daughter is a scruff.
I had no choice but to enter her bedroom this week armed with bin bags, disinfectant and a stern expression. She wasn’t happy. But she’s been telling me she’ll sort it since before Christmas.
It was time to put my foot down and show her that Daddy means business.
The piles of rubbish, clothes and tat I dumped into the wheelie bin certainly caught her attention.
She’ll keep the place spotless from now on.
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Did you feel like you were standing in the middle of Scarlett’s disaster zone?
That’s because I made sure you could see it by showing, not telling. It’s one of the most effective ways of catching your reader’s attention.
For example, instead of saying, ‘Her room was messy,’ put your reader slap bang in the middle of empty sweet wrappers, damp towels and dregs of Dr Pepper cans.
Bring them in, show them around, make them feel something.
Once they recognise the scale of the problem you’re describing, they’re much more likely to put faith in your solution.
Here are some tips using show-not-tell to get buy-in from your reader.
- Use descriptive language that invites them to imagine, empathise and experience your copy.
- Focus on sensory details that appeal to their senses and create a vivid mental image.
- Use powerful verbs and imagery to make your writing more engaging.
- Choose concrete examples over vague statements to generate trust.
- Tell a story. Connect with your reader’s emotions.
Just don’t overdo it. Tidying overwritten writing is worse than cleaning a 12 year old’s room.
You’ll spend ages sorting that shit out.